The feeling of guilt is such a dreadful one. You have regrets, you feel terrible, and a lot of other negative emotions that come with it. Truth is, at some point in time, we all have done things (or perhaps said things) that left us with feelings of regret and despair. It’s never a pretty feeling.
And if that thing you feel guilty about is so grave, you feel ashamed as well to own up to it. So, now you don’t just feel guilty and have regrets; there’s shame as well. That sucks! Most times, guilt stems from mistakes─ even the smallest of them; but in the end, it has such a stronghold upon your heart and life. It’s therefore, best to rid yourself of that guilt so you can free your heart. But since we’ve all felt guilt, we can all agree that it’s easier said than done.
What is Guilt?
Generally, defining emotions can be a bit tricky, however, we can still have an idea of all it entails. Guilt is a normal human emotion which you exhibit when you feel and are responsible for a wrong done. The fact that you can feel guilty shows that you are a normal human. However, it is not a feeling you would want to harbor for long.
Psychology states that it is possible to feel guilty for things you actually did wrong, things you perceive or believe to be your fault and even things you are not directly responsible for. This doesn’t change the fact that no one likes to feel guilty.
“He who bears the guilt wears the chain.”
Types of Guilt
There are basically two types of guilt; the healthy and unhealthy guilt. One is rational and the other isn’t.
Healthy guilt is a knowing and feeling of responsibility towards something that you acknowledge is wrong. This is basically you admitting to yourself that you did wrong and having feelings of regret over it. As much as this is a negative feeling, it is a ‘necessary evil’. What this means is that healthy guilt helps you spot your wrongs and take necessary action to amend it. If you don’t feel guilty, you probably would never know you have erred and thus, would see no need to make amends.
Unhealthy guilt on the other hand, is also a feeling of regret. This, however, is an irrational feeling of guilt. This is a situation whereby you feel guilty over situations in which you’re not directly to blame nor have any control over. You fault yourself over things that were beyond your intervention.
For instance; you have a friend a roommate, who’s also your colleague at work. And due to circumstances you had no involvement in, your friend gets laid off at the job but you didn’t. Then from then on, whenever you’re dressing up for work you feel guilty about still having a job while your friend and roommate doesn’t. Now, that’s irrational, unhealthy guilt. Of course you should feel empathetic towards your friend being laid off; of course you should try to help out where you can; but whatever you do, do not feel guilty!
How to Tackle Healthy Feelings of Guilt
If you are experiencing feelings of guilt and everything associated with it, there are things you can do to rid yourself of that feeling and ultimately make things right. It is an unpleasant feeling, so it’s best to tackle it before it eats you whole. Here are a few things you can do;
- Acknowledge your mistake/error, first to yourself then to the party/parties involved.
- Apologize sincerely for your actions and let the other person involved see how genuine you are.
- Remedy the situation immediately. If it’s a situation which involves tangible materials, restore, replace, do whatever you can to make amends.
- After all has been said and done, make conscious efforts on your part to change. Try as much as you can not to go back to those same actions again.
How to Tackle Unhealthy Feelings of Guilt
Tackling an unhealthy feeling of regret is trickier to handle. This is so because now, the enemy really is in your mind. And of course, anything that involves the mind can be such a game of chess. However, that doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause. Indeed, that battle can be fought and won. And just like chess, you need to know all the right moves to take.
- First, you need to get real with yourself. Understand the things you can control and the things you can’t. Let go of the things you can’t control, be empathetic and move on.
- One effective way to shut out the negative thoughts in your mind is to combat them with positive affirmations.
- You may fall victim to such irrational thoughts if you are a perfectionist by nature. So, this might be a good enough reason to say goodbye to your perfectionism for good.
- Perhaps your guilt is as a result of unhealthy pressure from external sources (people inclusive), what you must do is build your confidence and stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone guit-trip you for any reason.
The Remedy For Guilt
When you feel burdened with guilt, it weighs you down. However, rather than remain in that state of shame and regret, there are things you can do about such. If you have been experiencing feelings of guilt, you definitely can grow past it. Here’s how;
- Don’t Ignore it
Have you heard of the rule which states ‘what you feed grows, and what you starve dies’? It’s the same rule that applies here only that in this case it is tricky. While you may think and believe you are starving that feeling of attention, you are doing the exact opposite. Ignoring it means you’re trying to pretend and deny it doesn’t exist, but in reality it does. That feeling of shame is there. Those regrets are there. That guilty feeling is very much there; you attempting to ignore it is you lying to yourself, and maintaining a lie is expensive. It requires efforts.
Rather than ignore it, acknowledge it’s there. Rather than mask it up and cover it with false bindings, uncover it and get to the root of it. If you don’t cover up a wound before treating it, why do you think you can ignore that feeling before addressing it? As unpleasant and uncomfortable as those feelings are, acknowledge they exist and accept them. That’s really the first way to rid yourself of guilt.
- Dig Deep
Accepting those feelings is one thing, finding out the source or reason of your guilt is another. This is where you search deep within to realize if it’s a healthy or unhealthy guilt. You need to ask yourself the hard questions and be real with yourself.
Why am I feeling guilty?
Am I really responsible for this?
Was it a situation beyond my control?
What led to me feeling this way? Was there anything I could to stop it from happening or turning out the way it did?
Remember that you are not asking these questions in a bid to deny your involvement or responsibility, if you are really responsible. It’s more of a way of opening up yourself to your faults. It’s easier to work on improving when you’ve come to terms with yourself.
- Dare to Make Things Right
Admitting you are wrong and rendering a sincere apology may not be an easy thing to do, but it’s necessary if you want to make amends and fix things. Your ego may want to get in the way; but on the scale of satisfying your ego and doing what is right, your ego should not even be given a chance. It’s a difficult thing to do, no doubt; and that is why you must dare yourself to do what you know is right.
- Deliberately Let Go
After genuinely apologizing, the next thing you’d want to do is deliberately let go. Allow yourself breathe. Your mind may want to keep reminding you of how awful you acted, but whenever that happens, also remind your mind that you have taken the necessary steps to work at a reconciliation. Ideally, you should feel liberated after you apologize and receive forgiveness. And in cases where the offended holds back forgiveness, ensure the person realizes your apology is genuine. After which you can hold your peace; you’ve done your lot. What you’re letting go of is not your relationship with the person, but rather the guilt you feel.
- Don’t Revisit the Past
This involves efforts from both parties. If you were the one who was wronged, don’t go up probing old wounds every now and again. It’s petty!
If you were the one in the wrong, move on! There is absolutely no need to keep taking your mind back on that journey. No need to play the “remember when…” game. Now this is where the tables are again turned; if you keep feeding your mind with information from that guilt, you will once again feel guilty. So, starve your mind of that attention and move on to happily ever after!
Guilt can serve as your moral compass, to lead you into sober reflection; to lead you to place more value on relationships and people above your ego; to lead you to seek amends and live peaceably with all. BUT, that same guilt can also be the ruin of you. You get to pick your side.
And here’s a Scripture (and another) to always remind you that you have been forgiven by God and guilt holds no stand;
If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose].
1 John 1:9 AMP
Therefore there is now no condemnation [no guilty verdict, no punishment] for those who are in Christ Jesus [who believe in Him as personal Lord and Savior].
Romans 8:1 AMP
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Cheers to steady growth.
Sending LOVE and LIGHT your way,
Zoey.
Zoey 
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